Religion, Video Cameras and Homunculus
by Eveilae
Summary: This is what happens when Wrath reads the Bible, Greed and Envy work to annoy Lust, and Lust and Envy get their hands on various weaponry and tables.


**I role-played for the first time in _ages_. It was a Fullmetal Alchemist role-play. And so, it ended up like this. This isn't supposed to go with the storyline, and so all the homunculi are together and alive. Just try it out for size. Not supposed to be especially well written, only humorous. **

**Rubberninja (FF username) was Envy and Greed, timekeeperrayko (neopets username) was Edalea (an OC) and I was Wrath and Lust.

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It was midnight over at Dante's house, and not a creature was stirring. Not even a mouse. A mouse wouldn't be stirring anyway, Gluttony had eaten them all his first day there.

Okay, it was a lie. A creature _was_ stirring. If not, there wouldn't be a story, would there?

Greed carefully slipped up the stairs and into Envy's room. He saw the blankets in a long bundle that looked like a body. Carefully stepping over the numerous guns, knifes and other objects that litter the floor, Greed carried a large bucket of water over to the bed.

Wrath watched from the doorway, and giggled like the little boy he is. This looked like it would get interesting, especially with Envy's sadistic love for weaponry . . . and using it.

Meanwhile, Greed lifted it over his head, ready to pour it on Envy when a light flicked on. "Now what are you doing with that?" Envy leaned against the frame of the door, smirking. Grees—still holding the bucket high over his head—saw that the blankets on the bed wasn't a body, but just a bunch of pillows placed to look like one. Maybe he should have turned the light on before.

Wrath squeaked, scurried into the room, grabbed a random weapon from the ground, and rushed out, screaming hysterically.

"And what are _you_ doing a foot from my room?" Envy gave Wrath a kick in the chest as he ran by, before turning to Greed again. "Anyways you didn't answer my question, Greed. You didn't really expect me to be sleeping, did you? Sleeping is for brats. Like Wrath, here," he said, motioning to the pile of whimpers that was said little boy.

"Hey you wanna dump this water on Lust instead?" Greed asked, excitedly, totally ignoring Envy's question.

Envy shrugged in response. "Sure. Hey Wrath! **Get back here and give me that knife back!**"

Suddenly Edalea is there. She a new homunculus that one spring day had followed Envy into Dante's house and started living with them. They only really noticed her when she ate all of Sloth's lollipops and Sloth bit her. Or tried to bite her, at least. Edalea wasn't known for letting people push her around . . . or bite her, as may be the case.

At any rate, she walked up to Envy. "What are you whining about now, Envy?" She smiled childishly, flipping her long blonde braid behind over her shoulder as she said so. Her golden eyes scanned the room as she picked up a weapon from the ground. A slightly perplexed expression slips onto her face. "Okay? And this is for . . . ?" Edalea questioned Envy, and tilted her head to the side. She brushed her long blonde bangs out of her pale face with a smile on her rose colored lips.

Wrath coughed, annoyed. He's glad he's not human. That kick would have had him spitting blood if he had been. Damn that Envy, with his abrasive comments and such. But he would get him . . . yes he would. He laughed maniacally again. Turning to Envy, he bravely stood up to the heartless bastard. "No!" Wrath cried. "**No knife for you, damn it**!"

"Gimme that. It's for killing pipsqueaks and brats. Speaking of which,** Wrath, hurry up**!" Envy yelled, snatching a gun away from Edalea.

"**Never! I'm telling my mommy on you! And she's going to bite your face off!**" He scampered off, to lock himself in the bathroom instead of actually running to his 'mommy'.

"Hey!" Edalea cried indignantly as she glared at Envy, her golden eyes flickering in the lamplight.

"**Give it, you brat!**" Envy followed the boy, and tackled Wrath, trying to pry the knife from his fingers. "That knife is special! It belonged to that Hughes guy and I'm gonna kill Pipsqueak with it!" Envy grunted.

"Are we gonna soak Lust, or not?" Greed asked from behind Edalea, sounding confused.

Edalea shrugged, looking at Greed. "What's so special about a knife from Maes Hughes anyway?" She looked backwards at Envy, and picked up another weapon from the ground before Envy noticed.

"Leave me be, Envy you scurvy knave!" Wrath cried, holding onto the knife tightly. Sloth had shoved pirate books onto his lap the last week just to shut him up. And so, that explained the eye patch.

She shook her head at Envy. "Jeez Envy...Leave the poor kid alone for once!" She had followed Envy, still with the weapon in her possession. She glared at Envy.

"Yeah, listen to the Ed woman!" Wrath screamed, hoping he was not betraying how terrified he was that Envy was going to turn into Gluttony and eat him.

Envy stopped and blinked a few times. "Okay . . . Anyways, I like to annoy Pipsqueak and he still doesn't know that I killed Hughes, so there! Anyways, yeah, lets go soak Lust. Hey, twerp, you can keep that knife if you help us," Envy offered to Wrath.

"Okay," Wrath accepted, after pausing to think for about three seconds. "I hate Lust anyway. Always showing off her huge boobies. Mommy could dress like a slut, too but she's—I GET TO KEEP IT!" He jumped up, very excited all of a sudden.

"I think the heat's getting to him." Greed mumbled walking towards Lust's door, lowering the bucket of ice water.

"_Hello!_ He's just a kid! Jeez . . . I didn't know Palm trees were so stupid.." Edalea sighed, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Or gender confused." Greed snickered.

"He **is** a gender confused cross dressing palm tree!" Edalea pointed at Envy with a giggle.

Lust slept on, in spite of all the noise. Zzzzz.

"Gender . . . confused?" Wrath was confused, himself. He didn't know that it wasn't a GOOD thing to be as gender-vague as Envy was. "I like ice cream?"

"That's good, Wrath" Edalea patted him on the head, and then followed Greed towards Lust's room. "You know she will know this is you that did this to her, right?"

"Yes. Now all three of you shut up. Wrath, you gotta do the dumping, while the rest of us watch and make a video of this, and run like heck." Envy then turned to stick his tongue out at Greed and Edalea. Greed handed Wrath the bucket.

"Dumping?" Wrath was young, stupid and still thinking about pirates and ice cream. And possibly going swimming the day after . . . "Okay!" Wrath rushed up to Lust's bed, trying hard not to spill any water. This was it. The turning point of his life . . . the moment he became a man.

"Don't envy me." Envy replied stiffly.

"Wait, a second . . . Video tape? You're going to video tape it! How stupid are you?" The blonde girl glared at Envy, shaking her head.

"Stupid enough to videotape it. Now shut up!" He zoomed in on Lust's bed, trying to find her head. Too low . . . too high . . . uh, not those . . there! "Hurry up Wrath!" Envy hissed.

Okay . . .this was . . .it. Wrath poured the water over Lust's face.

Lust sat up in a flash, and just as quickly jumped up and threw Wrath out the nearest window. He crashed through the glass, and his scream faded as he fell towards the ground.

"**Don't tape me, you idiots! I have bed hair, assholes!"**

"Told you it was a dumb idea!" Edalea pointed at a ticked off Lust. "...And she threw Wrath out the window!"

Wrath cried below. No one loved him. And he lost his eye patch in the fall, too, to make matters worse.

Lust lunged at the nearest person—Greed. "I am going to rip your arms off and give them to Gluttony!"

"Smile for your close up!" Envy chirped as he ran down the hall still videotaping her.

"Uh, yeah, by the way Lust, I nothing to do with this **whatsoever**, but I think you should know that I **did not** put battery acid in the water, 'cause I didn't." Greed stammered, then ran for his life.

"**Loser**!" Envy stopped his running to pointed and laugh at Wrath as he leaned over a window. He gave up videotaping the disheveled Lust for the poor, crying homunculus below.

Edalea stuck her head out the window. "Wrath! You alive!"

"Duh. We're homunculi idiot." Envy rolled his eyes at her.

Edalea glared at Envy. "You know what? BURN IN HELL." She stomped off crossly.

Wrath whimpered rather loudly down below. "My soul is dead! A murder of ravens has flown into my heart and begun picking at what little humanity I had in me! I can not die because my spirit has been** killed**."

Meanwhile, Lust pulled up her dress before it fell off, and rolled her eyes. "You're really stupid, Wrath."

"Oh for the love of Him, shut up!" Envy threw down the video camera at Wrath's head.

Greed slowly snuck into Envy's room, grabbing as many weapons as he could. He glanced over his shoulder, hoping he wouldn't see a furious Lust standing there.

"No one loooooves me," Wrath screamed, crying hysterically. Lust didn't even care anymore. She just wanted to see Gluttony eating various body parts she had ripped from Greed and Envy. She ran after Greed, and into Envy's room. Not smart seeing as how Greed could . . . oh nevermind.

Greed was on the wall above Lust. Holding a shaky gun he said, "Hey, uh, Lust, can you get me down without killing me?" He gave a pathetic attempt of the puppy eyes look.

Lust looked up at Greed. "Greed . . . are you **stupid**?" With an evil little smirk on her face, she picked up a huge ax Envy just **happened** to have lying about. "I'm going to enjoy this immensely . . ."

"Well, I sorta got my self stuck up here so yeah, I guess. Ah jeez..." Greed tried to shoot at her, but his aim was horrible at the angle he was positioned at. Wobbling, he fell face first onto the floor. He lifted his head up. An arrow was stuck directly through his forehead. "**God, Envy! What the heck do you use this garbage for anyway?**"

Lust totally ignored his annoyed cries and just launched onto him, hacking like crazy and screaming for Gluttony.

Lust looked up at Greed, a look of pure fury in her eyes. "Greed . . . I think your tongue would taste wondrous used as turkey stuffing." **Attack**.

Meanwhile, Envy was teasing Wrath shamelessly. "What about Sloth? Even she hates you? What a loser!" Envy was saying to Wrath.

"Mommy doesn't count! Of course she loves me. Her love is like a blanket that keeps me warm on cold nights . . . or on days when you guys throw me out of windows and such." Wrath realized he still had the knife. Hehe, it was time for **revenge**!

"Oh, enough with the poetic crap. Pull that stuff up one more time, and I will personally go down there and give you an extra butt whooping!" Envy yelled, throwing a lamp that was standing on a table beside him at Wrath.

"Envy," Wrath pleaded sadly with the spikey-haired homunculus, "next time you want to hurt me, just stop and think for **one second**. What would Jesus do? Would Jesus throw a lamp at a poor, defenseless and spiritually broken boy? I think not!" Wrath dodged the incoming object easily, and pouted up at Envy.

"I could care less what he would do! I ain't Jesus, but I **can** look like him!" Envy hollered back at Wrath's cry from down below. "But, hm, let me respond to that in the following way." Envy then threw the entire table at Wrath.

Wrath screamed and let the table become one with him. "I am going to use your weapon against you! **I am now one with the table. We are one being and we shall defeat thee!**" Sloth seemed to have let him get his hands on the Bible, too. Sloth really should have censored what he read.

"**Alright, that's it!"** Envy totally forgot about Lust and Greed, and jumped out the window himself, his feet tight together. It was only then he realized Wrath was part table, and the table happened to be pure gold. Landing on them, he was pushed back a few fifty feet, and his ankle was twisted awkwardly.

And on Lust chopped. "This is really fun," Lust said happily. "I should exercise more often."

Greed looked for anything to stop her from hacking him into pieces. By this time, he would have to have a metal penis to do anything in bed. Then he remembered. "Lust you better stop, or I will show everyone the video. Not the one today, but the one with you and Scar!" Of course there wasn't a video. But maybe with some luck, she would buy it.

"No! You wouldn't! I can't believe you **taped** that! Look, for one, it's **not** my fault that Scar has fallen in love with you alright! **I didn't mean to tell him your deepest and darkest secrets!**" She stopped hacking, and rushed to grab another weapon . . . for protection.

"**WHAT?**" Totally forgetting that he had no legs, he stood up as best he could. He fired rapidly at Lust.

"Wait . . . so there **wasn't** a tape?" Lust managed to ask before getting shot in the stomach. "Owwwies. . ."

Returning to Wrath and Envy, a furious battle was about to occur. Wrath cackled, sounding slightly insane. "God punishes those that SHUN his teachings! Table, you and I make a good team. Want to have tea sometime next week?"

"**Shut up**!" Envy tried to charge again, but is ankle was totally out. He looked for one last thing to throw at Wrath. Then he found it. Perfect. Envy smirked, standing up as best he could. He pulled out a bible that was buried under some dirt behind a bush.

"You can't throw a **bible**, Envy! God shall smite thee where thee stands! Table, cover your eyes!" Wrath covered up the area he assumed the table's eyes would be.

"**Arg**!" Envy completely forgot once again that he had a bad ankle, and charged at Wrath, trying to stuff the bible down his throat. "**WHAT DOES HE SAY ABOUT THAT**?"

Wrath reached out with his hands and absorbed Envy into himself. Managing to push the bible away from his mouth, Wrath mumbled, "Now that we are one you shall see the light. . . the glory that is **God, our Lord and Savior**!"

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**It ended about there. I hope it was amusing.**

**Show me/us some love.**


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